Hornets/Magic: A Wonderful Exhibition of Facial Hair

Wednesday night, I was home watching the Hornets/Magic game from New Orleans.  It was a thoroughly enjoyable game, with competitive action that eventually drove the game into overtime.  But as I watched, there was this nagging feeling that I was overlooking a key theme.  I couldn't put my finger on it and it almost drove me crazy.  But at the end of the regulation, the telecast featured a bunch of timeouts without commercial breaks.  And lots of closeups.  Then it hit me.  The facial hair in this game... is... staggering!

The closeups made me realize that not only were these two teams well-matched on the court, but also that they both also featured a dazzling array of facial hair styles.  I couldn't leave the topic alone given the juicy variety of mustaches, goatees, chin fuzz, etc... The trend even extended to the head coaches.  So without further ado...

1)  Gilbert Arenas - Goatee

A timeless look.  Neatly trimmed.  Well-suited as a pairing with his close-cropped hair.  Honestly, the diversity of styles below is a cornucopia of facial follicles™ (Clyde Frazier), but what Gil has done here is honestly my favorite.  The only thing it lacks is originality.  (3.5 out of 4 stars)




2)    Marcus Thornton - Split Goatee

Marcus played a big role in this game -- Marco Bellinelli left during the early moments of the game with a sprained ankle -- so inclusion in our little smorgasbord seems appropriate.  Here we have a split-goatee, with a pencil-style mustache on top.  In an abstract sense, this style is pretty cheesy, but it works well on Marcus since is fits the shape of his face well.  (2.5 out of 4 stars)

3)    Stan Van Gundy- Full Mustache

The shirt is iffy, the jacket is worse, and together they are a complete disaster.  And the facial hair?  A long, thick mustache by its lonesome -- one that makes your face (and not other parts of your body) look like Ron Jeremy.  (0 out of 4 stars)

4) David West - Chin Puff

With a shaved or extremely close-cropped haircut, the chin puff can portray its wearer as scary -- the kooky, intimidating kind of scary.  When you're a power forward in the NBA, that's called "dressing for success".  (3 out of 4 stars)

Strategy Sidebar

This type of play drives me crazy.  Marcus Thornton is the Hornet in the front-left corner.  Look at the score and the time on the clock.  Turkoglu just dumped the ball into Howard.  You (Marcus Thornton) are up 3 points with around 10 seconds left.  Do you collapse on the big man who is a 50% FT shooter who is going to get fouled?  Or do you cover the excellent 3-point shooter (J.J. Redick)  in the corner?  Hmmm, let's see... What would be the best way to keep the game from being tied?  (FYI:  Howard passed to a wide-open Redick, forcing Okafor to slide over off Turkoglu.  J.J. got Turkoglu got the ball, and Hedo nailed the three.)

5) Monty Williams - Lip Fuzz

 

Choosing Monty Williams to be the head coach of this Hornets teams has been the right move.  He got them focused on winning.  They rode out a hot start, weather a cold spell amidst all the relocation talk, and now they are in sixth place in a solid Western Conference.  With a smooth dome, poised demeanor, and well-tailored suits, Monty has the traits to be one of the NBA's most fashionable head coaches.  This mustache, on the other hand, is a loose-ball foul.  Patchy, wispy, and asymmetric, it is crying to be shaved off.  Someone needs to send Monty a copy of  Your Body and You -- then he'll have an idea of what it might look like in a few years when it fills in a bit thicker. (1 out of 4 stars)

6) Emeka Okafor - Five O'Clock Shadow

Understatement is elegant.  Less is so often much, much more.  Here we have traces of 5 o'clock shadow (3 o'clock shadow, perhaps?) and a hairstyle to match.  Add it to a chiseled 6'11", 255 pound frame and it becomes even more impressive. Emeka is giving us shades of John Amos in Good Times, or at the very least, clues to what he might look like in 2011.  (3.5 out of 4 stars)

7) Chris Paul - Chin Strap

It would be appropriate to say, "2008 called and it wants its facial hair back", but using an out-of-date saying to critique a out-of-style beard would be hypocritical.  (2 out of 4 stars)

8)    Dwight Howard - Pencil Mustache

A simple pencil mustache.  The favorite look of silent movie villains everywhere.  On a narrow face, not even Superman can pull this look off.  (1.5 out of 4 stars)

9) Hedo Turkoglu - Early 20th-C. Dutch Jack of Spades

This look should finish growing in just around the time Orlando gets bumped out of the Eastern Conference Finals by Boston.  Bonus points for originality.  (4 out of 4 stars)